me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?