Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)