@djdarrellripley: Going to church doesn't necessarily make you a nice person... It does, however, make you sleepy.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [walks into 4D ultrasound office] Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women Me: I just want to see my burrito again
@panmidwest: [business trip] ME: i forgot my charger COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
@mofrorock: Marvel's latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD