@djdarrellripley: Going to church doesn't necessarily make you a nice person... It does, however, make you sleepy.
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@SortaBad: *Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror* *Feels confident* *"Hi I'd like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay"* *dammit*
@krisv_723: Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it's arrests & psych evaluations.
@thinkcomedy: A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
@simoncholland: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.