@djdarrellripley: Going to church doesn't necessarily make you a nice person... It does, however, make you sleepy.
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@kateberlant: Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
@GrumpyComments: It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl's "I haven't finished but I know you're about to, so I'll try to be supportive" moan.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
@dukelongboard: I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say "I got this" as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face