I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars