He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
If a snake ate a cake
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.