Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
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My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
motivation
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock