Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah