You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.