the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
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My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s