@Brentweets: Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
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@girlontapas: How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but... Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
@truegritrumble: ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis. ME: Yep. ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
@DanRegans: People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food