Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
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When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Meanwhile in Canada…
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“Huge”.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me driving through Toronto
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Air pods looking like an angry frog