Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I can’t wait!
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.