Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
when someone rings the doorbell
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
why count sheep when I can count my troubles