Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
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Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.