Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
You Might Also Like
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
#inspiration #foodforthought
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Social Media and Real life
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…