Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
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Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.