going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
there’s probably a fee though
Did I do this right
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Well, this explains it:
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.