If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.