[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
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Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
LOL
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”