[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Twitter is an abusement park.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I WON A HAM TODAY
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”