“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Dolls on drugs
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.