(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people