@1Happytwit: Gold fish don't like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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@LosLos__: •phone call• Wife: Want a free couch? Me: Free? Yes! Wife: How do we pick it up? Me: Lift with your legs, not your back. Wife: *click*
@daemonic3: "Choose password" > 123bob "Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters" > gameofthrones "OK"
@InternetHippo: PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no! ME (going out into the world): I'm ready [literally no one offers me drugs ever]