Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Mornin
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.