Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
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Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair