Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
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Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.