@bazecraze: Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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@Marcmywords2: Hey dad, the hospital called, patients are trying to rest, could you please turn down your television.
@ShesARealGenius: Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c'mere Me: Don't come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
@david8hughes: [end of 1st round of my UFC debut] Corner man: how you feeling? Me [out of breath]: horny Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
@heyevergreen: My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I'd be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars