Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
You Might Also Like
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
sistine chapel
Mornin
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.