Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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It do be feeling this way.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Storm Tropical Storm
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I’m not average. I’m mean.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.