Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Good Morning.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh