GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.