@TheNardvark: Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@MiddleageM: Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@Vodkantots: Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself. Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.

@pmclellan: Somebody wrote "wash me" on my car. I'm so lazy, I just wrote "no" under it.

@audipenny: Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces