Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
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told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Childbirth is so beautiful
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*