You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
We avoided this particular disaster
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house