I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
All is fair in drunk and war.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
got so much cardio in today
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’ve been drinking.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]