goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Always.
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love pickles so much i put myself in one
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.