Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Jail
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
#Caturday
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂