@JesKeepSwimming: Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family's home and stealing their food, as long as you're a white girl.
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@alanferrier: Who would have believed that the perfect Wikipedia photo caption could have been improved upon?
@Kelly_skeleton: Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine....she's either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her
@MrSpoonicorn: *Gandalf rollerblades into the club* "YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE-- *slips on a drink & lands flat on face* "SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
@SteveSuckington: "Dad, I'm I want you to move back home rent free" hi I want you to move back home rent free. I'm dad "Ok thanks dad" well shit