@JesKeepSwimming: Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family's home and stealing their food, as long as you're a white girl.
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@FunnyIsFamily: Kindergarten, day two. Me: Who did you play with at recess? Daughter: One of my best friends. I don't remember her name.
@TheCatWhisprer: *intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they're for multiple people*
@UnFitz: [firing squad] Captain: Any last words? Prisoner: Why, yes. I'd like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
@GoldenSpirals: Cashier: What does your tattoo say? Me: It doesn't talk. Cashier: Ya, but what does it say? Me: IT DOESN'T TALK. Cashier: Ok, Ma'am.