@JesKeepSwimming: Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family's home and stealing their food, as long as you're a white girl.
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@stefani6124: I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist's office... Because I'm like, "Hey, you're crazy too? Cool."
@Jeffwni: Son: DAD! There's a mobster under my bed! Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster? Son: No [from under the bed] "Whatcha gonna do 'bout it big guy?"
@deathoftheparty: lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake