I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
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When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
True statement👍😏😁
Breaking news:
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY