Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell