Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The cashier just checked me out.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?