Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby