*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
A bold strategy
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.