*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Muppet Screams