Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
#Caturday
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”