Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
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Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
If you’re testing me, we failed.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.