Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Cool shirt 🙂
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to