oh u like history? name everything that happened
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old