[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
What a website
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Does beer think about me too?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there