Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.