Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there