gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Yup….perfect score!
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die