gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?