gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”