astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Who knew!
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.