gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.