@markhoppus: Gonna replace my friends' hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn't evaporate.
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@LackOfShame: Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
@kristendrum: the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils
@flashember: [Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
@GrantTanaka: *races to airport *hurdles though security *sees her at boarding gate *shouts her name *romantic music swells I RAN OVER YOUR CAT