Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
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My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid