@markhoppus: Gonna replace my friends' hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn't evaporate.
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@JohnLyonTweets: I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
@cm_rutvik: Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google "Fatal Engine Error:38" & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks
@SamGrittner: People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
@TheRohiniReddy: I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.