Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Customize Your Wedding.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Wait a second…
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.